When it all falls apart

I'm feeling lost,
depressed and lonely.

It feels that I'm stuck in a world whereby I'm all by myself. No one there to understand me and no one to break through my invisible walls. It's pathetic and lonely. I hate it when no one understands me, or even try to. Sometimes I tell myself that it's me who's too sensitive and selfish. However it just hurts too much-- your bestest friend deserting you all alone. It's not that she want's it to happen, it's just that she doesn't realize it. Anyway I've decided to open this blog to pour all my deepest feelings I've ever felt and to keep them hidden away. Feelings are weaknesses, often I tell this to myself, and I will not allow anyone to know about them.

But now it's different. I wish time and time for people to find out, dig in, to know what I am feeling. To understand my loneliness, my sadness and everything; including my happiness whenever I feel that friends would be by me. I'm not greedy, all I want is a few closest best friends who will never desert me. Stick to me like glue, most of all to understand me.

My bestest friend now have her best friends as well, and we're all good friends but sometimes I just feel that I'm the only one not in it. She doesn't try to understand me even as I try my hardest to understand what it's like that she's facing.

I know I'm not the perfect friend.

Have you ever felt like you're dropping into a hole and there's no one there to pull you back up even when you're trying your hardest to swim back up? Yes that's what I'm feeling right now. I am afraid of being alone, and I am afraid of being forgotten. I try my best to be outspoken, even when that's not me at all. All these years I have trained myself to be a dramatic person, a hyperactive one even, just to make people like me and not forget about me. Somehow it doesn't work at all. Whenever I comfort someone, I just wish that someone would do the same as well.

I want someone to tell me that I'm not fine and look into my eyes, telling me that they would try to understand and listen to me. Or just to even listen to me sincerely. Where's that person? I need him/her.

I want someone to run to me in the rain, telling me that he'd break down my walls and love me. I want someone to talk to me. To listen to all my stories, even ridiculous ones. I want someone to stand up for me when I'm taken down.

But I guess it's impossible to have someone like that. I don't want to be alone and I believe that no one does. So I'm going to leave a hotmail address I created just for this to listen to someone tell me their problems. Send me an email, I'd reply.

I'd reply and try to understand. I know that no one would probably read this blog at all, but if you happen to come across my blog, I hope that you'd tell me what's wrong with your life.

I'm a stranger. But I'd try to help, I swear. You'd not be alone, you have me.
We can take time to know each other, we can be best friends, pen pals.

You can trust me.

Yours sincerely,
The anonymous person.